I fell apart sitting here today looking at pictures of my dad (who has been recently diagnosed with early signs of Alzheimer’s)…. I simply lost it. Maybe its the crazy energy today or its just time to really grieve. I’ve been loosing a lot of people… at least in the way I’ve known them, and it hurts. I am devastated still by the events at Sandy Hook elementary school. Its not just the fact that little kids died, but its how crazy and far from love our world has become. It hurts me deeply. That may sound sappy or overly dramatic but its really true for me. I sat and talked to God while in tears today and came to my truth…. the world is hurting, and I can’t help but feel it. I try to over ride it with positive thoughts and intentions, but sometimes I really need to feel it to the core. I need to recognize the truth that is happening inside me as a human and a spiritual being and then I can move forward. But, when I hold it in, I am held back. I can’t be loving or supportive to others or my family when I am lying to myself.
I came across an article noting a recent study published in Psychological Science regarding the 19,200,000 adults in the US who suffer with a phobia. The researchers discovered the best way to conquer a phobia is to talk about what is bothering us. A study was done with 88 people who had a fear of spiders. Each person was asked to approach a large live tarantula two times. The people who expressed their fear/emotions about the spider in the first round were able to get closer to the spider a week later than those who kept the fear to themselves. They also found those who expressed their fear had dryer hands the second round. So, its not just some fluffy idea to talk about your fears, it actually reduces the negative emotion. There is a lot of power in standing strong in our truth, even if its not what society, friends or family may want to hear!
It is becoming crystal clear to me that NOW is the time to honor the TRUTH – all truths. Even those that are horrible and ugly. Its time to honor both sides of the coin, to recognize the things that don’t feel good as true too. I can’t turn a blind eye to tragic event anymore than I can to my own daughter having emotional or homework issues. I do need to manage my energy and often I hand it all over to God. My biggest challenge is knowing my part and deciphering whether my ideals and desires are coming from my ego or my God.
Meditation tends to bring me massive peace and clarity where I had none previously. Prayer goes right along with it. And certain days I struggle with knowing what is my part. What do I need to be doing? I was not created to stand by and watch, I just wasn’t. I am the one who goes in and asks the hard questions, I am the one that stirs the pot when things are not right, I am the one that bruises my tongue on harsh words that I meant to be helpful, who makes people uncomfortable, and who soothes the pain when it becomes too much. God put so much fire in my make up its really uncanny… Not to mention, birthed me in the year of the Rooster who is known for stirring the pot! There is so much, and it feels like I am opened wide today with all of it.
For today, I let the God of my understanding know I am willing to be a servant of the light and the Universe. I am willing to do what is shown and asked of me even if it seems like a lot- or not enough. What I know today, is that I don’t know. I also see how much I want to know. I am aware that its all about God and letting Gods will be done, however all miracles are done through people……so…where am I a miracle worker?
Today, I send my love and my good energy to the world in pain, to those with broken hearts and broken lives. I send light into that darkness and ask that the darkness shrink as the candles continue to burn in each of us. There are no mistakes, therefore neither are you nor I.
Truth, Love, Light, and Acceptance be in you and me.
For some deep healing listen to Marianne Williamson’s talk from last Monday, December 17, 2012.